


Malfoy's Secret

by justasnake



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bodyswap, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Doppelcest, Gratuitous Smut, Hogwarts Eighth Year, M/M, Shameless Smut, Shrinking, Smut, Snakes, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2019-09-29 09:12:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17200727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justasnake/pseuds/justasnake
Summary: The Malfoy family holds an ancient and terrible secret. Harry finds out what the secret is on page one.90% Drarry smut/crack, 10% discussion of higher-dimensional physics.





	1. A Secret Revealed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [5moreminutes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/5moreminutes/gifts).



> What kind of fic is this? It's one where our two heroes have graphic sex in every single chapter, even as the scenarios (and universe itself) become increasingly bonkers. If that sounds fun, you'll probably have a good time.

Harry slid his hand into Draco's pants.

"Mmm... I think I know what that is... and --" Harry's hand brushed against something else, which seemed to be rough and moving sinuously. He jerked his hand back and nearly toppled over. "What the _fuck_ was that?"

"Potter, what are you talking about?"

"I felt something... moving."

"Are you sure it wasn't my penis?" he answered with a grin.

"I was _holding your penis_. There's something else in your pants. What else is in your pants, Malfoy?"

"Why don't you take them off and find out?"

"I think I know better than to put my hand anywhere near your pants until you tell me exactly what is going on. What are you up to?"

"Come on, it won't bite. At least, it never has before."

"Enough!" Harry snatched his wand from the nightstand. _"Desartorio!"_

Draco's pants and underwear were blasted across the room, crumpling against the opposite wall before settling into a small pile on the floor. Harry looked in astonishment at Malfoy's now-exposed crotch. "Do you have...two dicks?"

"Don't be stupid, Potter. I've got one dick, and I've also got a snake. I assumed you knew -- though maybe I should have known better than to assume you know anything."

The insult failed to register in Harry's brain as Draco strode toward him. Immediately next to Dacro's penis -- growing from practically the same spot -- was a snake, waggling in small side-to-side motions. It was about 6 or 7 inches long, Harry guessed.

"Okay," Harry said with a steeling breath, "why do you have an extra snake dick?"

"First, it's not a dick, it's just a snake. Second, that's a extremely rude question, isn't it? I may as well ask why you don't have one."

"I'm not sure that's really a fair comparison," Harry tried to interrupt.

"And thirdly, it's a traditional Malfoy trait. We're well-known and well-respected for our trouser snakes in well-bred society."

"Hold on, are you telling me that your dad has one of these, too?"

"I'm sorry, are we going talk about my father's anatomy, or are we going to have sex?"

Harry looked at the snake. He felt deeply uncertain about how to answer the question. The snake looked back.

"Okay, look, I want to have sex with you. I do. But do I need to, um, take care of the snake, too? How does that work, exactly?"

"Why would you need to take care of the snake? It has a cloaca."

"I mean, what should I do with it while I'm, you know, down there?" Harry found himself physically holding his head steady to keep it from swimming.

"Just let the snake mind its own business. It doesn't mind watching."

"You know what, this might just be easier to do and course-correct as we go. I came here to have sex, and I refuse to let this snake-dick get in the way. Let's do it."

"Finally. Merlin's balls, it took you long enough. Also: not a dick."

"Just a snake," he answered, getting into bed. "Got it."

Malfoy sighed -- partly in pleasure, partly in relief -- as Harry took his dick in his mouth and went to work. Giving fellatio was a new, strange experience, but he couldn't help wondering if it would be slightly less weird if he didn't have a nagging worry that the snake might bite his ear at any moment. It would be nerve wracking, Harry supposed, to have a snake nearly brushing his cheek under any circumstances, right?

"What are you doing down there?" Malfoy asked. "Show a bit more care, if you would."

Harry had to admit that the snake-induced discomfort was hurting his already novice performance. He tried sucking harder.

"That's better, though it isn't… mmm… all about the brute strength of suction, Potter. Don't be such a Gryffindor," he said. "Have some... ooh! ...subtlety."

Harry rallied, determined to impress. He tried using his tongue more, but wasn't sure the right way to do it. With Malfoy filling his mouth, there wasn't room to make the right movements. Malfoy seemed to enjoy some of it, but there was obviously something missing in his performance. He was about come off and ask for suggestions, when to his relief, he got one unprompted:

"Try... sssliding your lips…"

Harry did as he was told, rocking back and forth slowly, riding along Malfoy's length. The results were obvious at once. His pleasure built in speed and volume. By sliding away, Harry gave his tongue more room to work, intensifying Malfoy's reaction even more. By the time he was gripping the bed sheets, Harry knew he needed to be braced.

He came suddenly, and Harry's mouth was warm with semen. Harry stumbled off the bed in an involuntary lurch. Next to Malfoy's nightstand, he found tissues to spit into.

"Got it your first time? I'm impresssed."

Harry's chest swelled with pride at the compliment and he got to his feet. "Never thought I'd see the day that you'd admit you were impressed."

"What are you talking about?" Malfoy said with a soft sneer. He was still lying naked on his back, hands tucked under his head. The snake was resting contentedly on his thigh, looking directly at Harry. "Although I will say, not a bad first effort, Potter."

"But you just said..." Harry started. "You did say you were impressed. Right?"

" _Impressed_ ," Malfoy said, "is for when you make me moan loud enough to break the soundproof warding. Today was good. I'll keep you around. Hand me my pants?"

Harry rolled his eyes. When he handed Draco his pants, the snake looked directly at him, flicked its tongue, and hissed, "Well, I had a good view, and I thought you did very well." Harry blinked in disbelief, but the snake only continued, "You know, he tries to sound so experienced, but he's only been with, oh, maybe four other people? Don't be intimidated."

Well, now Harry knew the truth: Draco Malfoy had a snake that grew out of his body, right next to his penis, and the snake could talk.

"Draco," said Harry, ignoring the snake. It felt rude, but he simply wasn't ready to direct any questions to the snake. "Your, um, trouser snake. It can… talk?"

"I keep telling you, it's just a snake. Stop worrying about it."

"Sorry, it's just… it's talking to me. I mean, right now. I think it's Parseltongue."

Draco ran a hand through his hair thoughtfully. "You mean it's literally talking to you? What's it saying?"

"Well, it just said, 'Put those pants on already. I'm cold-blooded and it's chilly in here.'"

"Prat," Draco said.

"Do you mean me or the snake?"

"The snake, Potter. I suppose I should known it'd be a saucy one." Fully dressed now, Draco stood and grabbed his bag. "Listen, I've got History in five minutes and I'm going to be late as it is. Don't let any of the Slytherins catch you on your way out, yeah? Be smart." He leaned in and gave Harry a kiss on the forehead and dashed out of the room.

Harry fell backward onto the bed and stared the ceiling for a long time. Eventually, the room stopped spinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shout-out to user 5moreminutes (to whom this work is gifted), who helped brainstorm many ideas and dialogue in this and future chapters.


	2. A Secret Exposed

In Charms class, Malfoy claimed a spot next to Harry. They largely ignored each other, though Draco whispered a comment or two when the rest of the class was too busy practicing their spellwork to notice.

"I bet I don't need a  _ Wingardium Leviosa _ to get that dick up," he said.

Harry tried hard not to look over. His dick  _ did _ start to perk up, and he didn't want to give Malfoy the satisfaction of being right. Then, unbidden, the image of Draco's snake-dick sprang into his mind. His penis maintained its semi-erect position nevertheless.

When the class sat down for Flitwick's concluding notes, Draco pressed the tip of wand into Harry's crotch.

"Aroused, Potter?"

"I'm trying to pay attention," Harry mumbled.

Harry's dick bobbed up to give an approving tap on Draco's wand.

As the class ended, Draco put his hand on Harry's shoulder. "Hang on a second, Potter. There's something I wanted to give you."

"Malfoy, if this is some stupid lead-up to you showing me--"

"No, actually something," Draco said, digging through his bag. He produced a small pile of books, set them on his desk, and continued rummaging.

"Okay, what is it, then?"

"It's easier just to show you." The classroom was nearly empty after he had produced vial of Gillyweed paste, then a pouch of drake scales, then a small jar of sand, placing each on Harry's desk.

"So, is this it…?"

"Don't be stupid, I'm still looking. You'll know it when you see it."

"Again, is this a lead-up--"

As the last student left, Draco shot up. "Aha!"

With a flick of his wand, Draco slammed the classroom door shut, and spun around to reveal his trousers dropping to the floor.

"This was just a lead-up to showing you my penis, Potter.  _ Obviously. _ How else were we going to have sex in this classroom?"

"Nice to sssee you again," the snake said, wiggling in delight as its newfound freedom from Draco's boxers.

Draco slid his hand down Harry's pants and gave his balls a playful squeeze.

"Aren't you worried someone is going to come in?"

"I'm more interested if someone is going to come, Potter. Anyway, if you're so worried, sit down."

Draco pushed Harry into a chair, got to his knees, and started to take Harry's pants off. Just before he put his mouth to Harry's penis, he said, "There. Now if anyone walks in, they'll only see you quietly having a hands-free orgasm in an empty classroom. Feel better?"

"Not really."

"We go to magic school for teenagers, Potter. I walk in on fellows polishing their wands on the weekly. Now shut up already and give me that dick."

Draco put his lips around Harry's penis, gave a small bite and made a muffled growl.

"Oooh," said the snake from down below, "I'm starting to think he really likes you."

To be told that Draco Malfoy might actually like him, from the mouth of Draco Malfoy's own snake-dick, gave Harry a profoundly unexpected boost of confidence. This unexpected comment from an unexpected source deepened his pleasure as Draco worked his mouth across Harry's length. The motion was deep: tip to base and back again. Draco hummed a song -- some Wizarding tune, no doubt, that Harry didn't know -- and the vibrations flitted brightly across his sensitive skin.

Draco went faster. Harry unconsciously tried to rock in time with his new, pleasurable rhythm, but Draco's hands pressed Harry's hips firmly in his seat. He gripped the sides of the desk as an electric sensation washed over him. The feeling surged like ocean waves that rose higher and higher, and he struggled to catch his breath. Just as he came into Malfoy's mouth, a pair of second-years walked into the classroom.

"Ah, no he must have gone to his office," one of them said, turning to leave. "Just Harry Potter in here practicing jack-off spells. Try the third floor, maybe?"

When the door clicked shut again, Draco rose to his feet. Even going from kneeling to standing, every movement was imbued with an unmistakable swagger. With an effortless flick of his wand, he charmed his clothes back on to his body.

"Normally I'd stick around for my turn, but I'll be late for my next class," Draco said. "I'm sure your pants are around somewhere."

Draco swung the door open to leave and nearly bumped into Hermione on his way out.

"Granger," he sneered.

"Malfoy," she said icily, then turned to spot Harry shuffling uncomfortably at a desk. "Harry, I didn't know you'd signed up for Advanced Principles of Thaumaturgy. Did you test out of Fundamentals?"

"Ehm, no, sorry. I was just leaving. I'll stand up in -- just -- a -- minute --"

"Wait, why was Malfoy in here? And why does this entire room smell like sex?"

"No reason? I mean, does it? Smell? It doesn't."

"Were you just banging Malfoy in a classroom?" She sniffed again and waved her wand. " _ Olfactivert. _ "

"You can't tell anyone," he said.

"I wouldn't have expected you two," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Although I wouldn't blame you for being curious about the trouser-snake. What's it like?"

"What-- did everyone in this bloody school know about this but me?"

"So I take it you still haven't read  _ Hogwarts: A History _ ?"

"You cannot have me believe Draco Malfoy's snake dick is in  _ Hogwarts: A History _ ."

"Not  _ Draco's _ , of course. The Malfoy line has intervened several times in the school's history, and the genetic spread of undersnakes throughout Sacred Twenty-Eight is no small matter of genealogical significance."

"Sacred Twenty-Eight… are you telling me Ron has one of these, too?"

"Please. If he did, do you think he'd ever shut up about it?"

"Fair," Harry considered. "But really, Hermione, you can't tell anyone. I don't know if I'm ready for anyone to know. I mean, a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? People will talk. And if his father heard about this…"

"Your secret is safe with me, Harry. Although based on your brazenness this afternoon, I have to question if it's safe with  _ you _ ."

"Thanks. I'll be careful."

With a final shift of his belt, he rose and hurried off to his next class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it seems like they're just going to have sex all the time -- and believe me, they are -- but there's a zany little plot forming here, too.


	3. A Secret Detained

The next time Harry heard the familiar Parseltongue hiss of Draco's snake was later that week in Potions class.

"Psst," came a voice from Draco's pants. "You there, Harry?"

Harry ignored it, trying to focus on his education.

"Psst," it hissed again. "It wasss Harry, right? He talks about you a lot, though I have to admit, I don't pay a lot of attention to human stuff. You know?"

"Not now," Harry whispered from the side of his mouth in Parseltongue.

"I mean, think about it. You can talk to snakes, right? There's loads of snakes around. But how many snakes do you actually know? Not a lot, I'll bet," the snake continued. "It's like that. I hear names, people have wars, but at the end of the day, I'm just a snake. Luckier than most, with nice warm place to sleep and everything, but not exactly inclined toward bothering with that human thing, you know? What's it called?"

"...Relationships?" he hazarded, forgetting the lesson.

"No, sort of -- politics. That's it."

"Why are you talking to me? Why care now?"

"Potter, shut up," Draco whispered. "You're going to get us detention, and I can't even understand what you're saying.."

The snake continued unabated. "He likes you. I think I kind of like you too, in a snake way. Hey, can you reach over and just give me a scratch on the head? He never understands me when I ask."

"I am not going to scratch you on the head. I'm in the middle of class."

"Potter, shut it!"

"Your snake won't shut up!"

"Just ignore it," Draco hissed through clenched teeth.

"Mister Potter," Snape called from the from the front of the classroom. "Mister Malfoy. Perhaps the two of you will have more freedom to settle your disagreement in detention this evening."

Harry sat in frustrated silence, not daring to turn and apologize to Draco.

"Sssoo, that's a no for head scratches?"

\------

"You will be assisting in the relocation of my office," Snape explained bitterly as they walked. "As part of the… institutional restructuring that took place with Headmistress McGonagall's reinstatement, I will now be taking residency in the west-side dungeon, in a previously unoccupied sub-basement. A location that the Board of Governors believed I would find deeply enviable, no doubt."

"Hold on, is this because of the war crimes tribunal?" Harry asked with sudden interest. Draco curled his lip and vigorously drew a finger across his throat several times. "I'd imagine you're lucky to be back here at all."

"Mister Potter, thank you for reminding me that the two of you will, naturally, be serving two detention sessions. One this evening and the next this coming Friday."

"Nice going," Draco mouthed.

"Sssmooth movess," came a voice from Draco's pants.

This snake wouldn't shut up lately -- had it really been there for years, silent and unnoticed in Draco's pants? Then again, Harry seemed to be the only one who hadn't known. Perhaps Draco brought it out for party tricks while Harry was delving into the Chamber of Secrets or rescuing his friends in the Triwizard Tournament. Harry was one of the few who knew Quirrell had hidden Voldemort's face on the back of his head, and yet he seemed to be among the precious few who had stayed ignorant of Malfoy's serpentine bedfellow.

They descended the dungeon stairwells to arrive at a subterranean chamber littered with half-empty boxes. A desk stood in one corner, and along one wall was a row of empty bookcases. The opposite side of the room was heaped with junk, probably left over from the room's previous tenure as a storage space. Snape looked pained to be occupying the room at all.

"For the next two hours, you will organize my library according to my preferred specification by subject matter. The shelves are already familiar with my system of organization and will reject any material that is out of place. I am sure even you are intelligent enough to figure it out with a little effort."

"So, what, you'll sit here and watch us put books away for two hours?"

"Hardly. Insofar as I was not responsible for a classroom disturbance, I am not required to remain here. Furthermore, since I can devise no greater punishment for the two of you one another's company, I see no reason to stay. Please ensure that the shelves are fully stocked before you leave."

"What a dick," said Harry, after the echoes of Snape's footsteps had faded.

"Potter, could you possibly have gotten us in any more trouble?" Malfoy spat. "I told you to shut it."

"Sorry, Malfoy," he said, and meant it.

"I suppose I should have known, with a Gryffindor. No subtlety in there at all, is there?" He knocked Harry on the top of the head, without particular malice.

"Well, I suppose we'd better get these books in order," Harry said. He placed one at random on a shelf, and it immediately flew off with great force, nearly hitting him in the face. He picked it up and placed it on a lower shelf, and it gently toppled over and slid off again. "Well, this is going to take forever."

"There's no way we'll have this done in two hours," said Draco. "Want to have sex instead?"

"What, here in Snape's office, while we're supposed to be serving detention?"

"Yeah."

Harry paused. "God, yes."

Draco slammed the door shut, and Harry shoved him against it. Harry's kiss was forceful and deep, and he pulled away only to breathe. Draco's fingers dug into his back, almost painful. After another round of kissing, Draco put his hands on Harry's shoulders and pressed him down until he was pinning him to the ground.

Harry grinned and slid his torso so that Draco's palms hit the floor. He grabbed Draco by the shirt, saying, "Do me from behind."

"With pleasure, Potter."

It was at that moment they both noticed the mirror, rising full-length from the floor to ceiling. They stared at their reflections for a moment.

"Shit, you don't think he's spying on us, you know, for detention stuff? It looks magic."

"He's not. It's probably not even his. Just enjoy the view."

In an instant, Draco flipped Harry onto his hands and knees. Harry watched in the mirror with growing pleasure as Draco slid Harry's pants down and then dropped his own. They were pressed together, front to back, and Harry felt Draco's dick harden with every motion against his ass. Draco cast a lubricating charm and just before he was about to enter him, Harry felt a small, sharp pain in the side of his butt. When he checked the mirror in surprise, he saw a pair of snake eyes peeking from around his hip. The snake flicked its tongue.

Harry turned his head. "Draco, your snake just bit me in the ass."

"I don't control it. It just lives here. You talk to it."

"Sssorry," the snake said. "It sseemed like the right thing to do. I'll just mind my own businesss."

Harry turned back and felt Draco enter him, pumping slowly at first, then experimenting with speed. Harry watched Draco's expression in the mirror with keen interest: the way his eyes narrowed in concentration, the way he bit his lip as his pleasure was building. Even as Harry enjoyed the feeling, he wanted something more.

"All right," he said in a whisper-hiss, "you can keep biting me."

The snake resumed at once, nipping Harry's backside gingerly. The sharpness of each prick paired perfectly with Draco's powerful and broad thrusts. Occasionally, he caught a glimpse of the snake switching from side to side, and sometimes it paused to stare at Harry's reflection with its dark reptilian eyes, which Harry liked less.

As Draco's thrusting approached a crescendo, there was suddenly a second snake peeking out from behind his hips. Then a third, and fourth, all biting him on the ass. Harry yelped in surprise as the Medusa-esque throng continued to increase.

"Malfoy!" Harry shouted. "What the hell is this? How many of those snakes do you have?"

"What the fuck are you -- ah -- on about, Potter? I -- unh -- just the one -- uhhn -- hang on --"

Draco grabbed Harry's penis and slid his hand along its length. Harry tried to turn and look at the snakes to count them, but he was having trouble keeping his arms upright as Draco worked him to a climax. He tried asking more questions, but found he could only watch wordlessly as the throng ducked in and out, taking turns biting him. Harry and Draco came almost simultaneously, and Draco carefully slid out.

Harry spun around to count the snakes. He was stunned to find only one.

"Where did all those other snakes come from?"

"What other snakes? And you're welcome for the orgasm, Potter."

"In the mirror, I saw them! Half a dozen, maybe more."

Draco looked at him. "Nope."

"Wait," Harry said, looking at the mirror more closely. " _ Erised stra ehru _ … Oh my God. Draco, this is the Mirror of Erised."

"Never heard of it."

"I found this years ago, in our first year. When Dumbledore found me, I was…" he trailed off. "Draco, what did you see in this?"

"I had a great view of us having detention sex. It's a mirror."

"So, your deepest desire is… that?"

"Whatever. No idea what  _ you _ saw. A shit-ton of snakes, apparently."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's only so many ways that a narrative about human beings can include Draco Malfoy's pelvic snake, but I'l probably get around to most of those ways in chapters to come.


	4. A Secret in Time

Hours later, Harry followed Draco back to his dorm.

"I think you owe me, Potter, considering how you landed us in double detention. Take your clothes off."

"Hey, you've already had it once today. Don't you think you're being a little greedy?"

"Oh, absolutely. Have you met me?"

Suddenly, they heard the knob to Draco's door turn.

"Who's that?" Harry asked.

"No idea," Draco said. "Anyway, I've locked the door and as Head Boy I don't have to worry about roommates. That's the whole reason we're never at your House."

A key turned in the lock and the door swung open. Draco -- another Draco -- stood in the doorway. "Oh good, you're just getting started," he said.

"What the fuck is this about?" Harry demanded, raising his wand.

"Please, Potter," the new Draco sneered, "I've only got one wand on me, and you can't get rid of it with an Expelliarmus, if you know what I mean." He rubbed his hand on his pants, evidently for clarity.

"I would also like to know what the fuck this is about, though," said the original Draco.

"Fine. I'm from the future." He lifted a Time Turner hung around his neck.

"You have a Time Turner?" Harry demanded. "And why are you here?"

"To have a  _ ménage à trois _ , obviously. I just had one with you," -- the new Draco gestured to his past self -- "and I came back to do it again."

"Hm. Does it go well?" asked the original Draco.

"I've come back for seconds, haven't I?"

"Fair enough."

"No, this is just -- it's too much. Where did you even get that?"

"Ugh, this is just like last time," Future Draco said.

"He's always like this," Present Draco replied. "Look, just start going down on me. He gets distracted when he's horny."

"I do not!" Harry cried. "And did you just invite yourself to perform fellatio on -- on yourself?"

"Hot, right?" Present Draco said, dropping his pants and putting his hands around his counterpart's head.

Harry found he couldn't answer. He watched one Draco work his mouth over the other's penis with incredible skill: a practiced glide of the lips, rhythmic bob of his head, the sound of firm well-timed suction. The receiving Draco moaned with pleasure, but his snake looked more than a little alarmed. As Draco came, Harry found himself fully aroused.

Each Draco closed in on Harry, pulling his clothes off. "All right, it's really hot," he admitted. One of them shoved Harry onto the bed, and they both began to undress fully.

"Enemy snake!" Harry heard in chorus. The two snakes were fully alert and ready to fight one another. "This is my territory!"

"Like hell it is! Back off!"

Harry tried to explain, in halting Parseltongue, that there wasn't any threat, but he couldn't get a word in between the sound of hissing.

"Oh, yeah, Harry will need to take middle, so these guys don't fight. I remember this; it's fine once they can't see each other anymore."

The Dracos settled in around Harry and the snakes indeed settled down, though they didn't fully relax. Harry had concerns.

"Look, I've gotten used to your snake dick and everything--"

"Not a dick," and, "Just a snake, thanks," sounded in stereo around him.

"--but I'm not sure I feel great about being in between two agitated snakes."

"Potter," Present Draco began, as he took hold of Harry's penis, "if you got bit or something, do you think I'd come back from the future to relive that? It's going to be fine."

"That's exactly right. Now shut up," Future Draco said and pressed his lips onto Harry's mouth.

With two sets of hands roving his body, Harry was in ecstasy. One stayed on his penis, but the others stoked his balls, fondled his thighs, and dragged fingernails gingerly across his torso. He was enjoying himself so much he scarcely even heard the occasional hiss of, "I know you're over there, I just can't see you," or, "Harry, can you tell me where that other snake is? Is it coming to ambush me?"

One Draco came and pinned Harry's hands on bed while Harry invited that Draco's penis into his mouth. The adjacent snake slithered by his face. "I think we scared that other snake off. Thanks." It nipped his ear affectionately. Maybe it was all just the endorphins from everything else, but he felt a sudden rush of affection for the snake.

Between the fullness of Draco's dick in his mouth, and the Dracos' hands pinning him down and touching his own penis, Harry could scarcely hold out longer. He came, and the muffled cried of release was enough to send off Malfoy into his mouth. By the time Harry could sit up, each Draco was slipping on pants on and talking logistics.

"All right, you've got to get out of here and go use the Time Turner," said Future Draco.

"Right, so I jump back into the hallway and get in on the beginning again?" Past Draco asked. "Where did this thing come from anyway? I don't have a Time Turner."

"Exactly. You've got to go jump a few days ahead and  _ get _ the Time Turner from Granger, then come back here and have sex."

"Really? She gives it to me? ...Us?"

"I've got it right here, don't I?"

"Hm. And then you just stay here and pick up where I left off. Rather neat."

"It is. Well, first thing I've got to do is give this back to Granger," Future Draco said, holding up a second Time Turner. "The one I've just given you is the same one, but I got it from future myself;  _ this _ is the one I promised I'd give back to Granger."

"And I've got to use this to get to future Hermione right now, who will give it to me. Right?"

"Leave your wand, though. I didn't take one with me."

Harry laid down and went to sleep to pleasant hum of Draco's voices. After he heard the quiet pop of a Time Turner departure, he sleepily felt Draco's warm body come and spoon him from behind.

\---

Hermione opened her door, giving Draco a cautious look. "What do you want? The Prefect meeting isn't until next week."

"It's not about that. I wanted to give you your Time Turner back."

"Malfoy, even if I had a Time Turner, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't give it to you of all people."

"Look, I'm just giving it back, not asking for it."

He produced it and held it out on its chain. She snatched it away with a gasp, and patted her own shirt pocket.

"But -- I've still got mine. How --?"

"I haven't been keeping terribly close tabs, but I''ll be around shortly to ask, I imagine. Thanks again." He looked at her seriously. "I mean it."

"But what did you do with it?" she called.

"See you next week!" he said, disappearing around the corner.

Hermione stood dumbfounded for a minute in her open doorway, weighing the two Turners in her hands, before Draco reappeared around the other end of the hallway.

"Granger, I'm sure you're not happy to see me, and once you hear me out, I imagine you won't feel any better about it."

"We were just…" She looked at him carefully. "Are you here to ask me for a Time Turner?"

Draco's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

"You have to be perfectly honest with me: what are you going to do with this?"

"Since you seem to have a better grip on all this than I do, I guess I will. I'm going to go back in time to have a threesome with myself."

"You're going to use the Time Turner for sex."

"A three-way with myself, yeah. And Potter, of course; not just three of me. That'd just be all butter and no bread."

"I really don't need to hear this," she said. "And questions of ethics aside, you can't  _ do that _ . McGonagall clearly told me that I had to avoid interacting with my past self, or else there could be disastrous consequences."

"Granger, I'm telling you I just did a hell of a lot of interacting with my future self about ten minutes ago, and I need that Time Turner to go back for seconds."

"You're saying that interaction doesn't actually cause damage to reality?"

"I'm saying that you can definitely use these to fuck yourself," Draco said, "and anyone who told you different probably just knew when to lie to teenagers."

Wordlessly, Hermione handed over one of the Time Turners, deep in thought. Suddenly, there was the incoming  _ pop _ of a Time Turner. A second Hermione stood inside the room, hair mussed and shirt untucked.

"Hey," she said curtly. "Shut the door. We've got some shit to do."

"Even with literal time travel, you still don't have an iota of patience, do you, Granger?"

"Bye!" Hermione said, slamming the door in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like Hermione because she gets to play a much larger role in further universe-bending shenanigans in the near future.
> 
> Eternal shout-out to user 5moreminutes who thought of making the two snakes get in a territory fight (on top of a million other ideas; she brainstormed at least half of this mess). It's my absolute favorite part of this chapter.


	5. A Secret Reduced

"During the course of this detention session, you will be responsible for the organization, categorization, an general tidiness of the artifacts and vessels that have been left in my office by its previous users," Snape explained to them on Friday evening. "Items that you believe may be of use to me may be placed in the closet. For the rest, separate functioning items from those that are non-functioning."

_ I'm just going to Vanish half this stuff the moment you leave _ , Draco thought to himself.

"Under no circumstances should you attempt to use magic on any of these items in your examinations. Some may be older than Hogwarts itself, and may cause dangerous side-effects if exposed to outside magic," Snape said, "especially when employed by one insufficiently skilled in the requisite art."

"Yes, I get it," Harry said.

"I have other means to occupy my evening, so I look forward to seeing your efforts completed when I return." With unnecessary flourish, Snape exited his office.

Harry sullenly inspected the array of curiosities that littered the rear wall of the office, while Draco snuck a glance in the Mirror. He saw himself and Harry giving each other mutual oral sex, with Draco standing upright and Harry suspended upside down by magic.

"Damn, that's a good idea," Draco let slip out loud.

"What is?" Harry asked, inspecting an iridescent potion that appeared to have been stoppered shut for unknown ages.

"Want to have midair sex?"

"Seriously, did you  _ want _ us to get double detention? Do you have a detention kink?"

"I asked my question first," Draco said. "Midair sex?"

"Sure."

With a  _ Levicorpus _ from Draco's wand, Harry flipped upside down. Harry dropped the bottle he was holding, which shattered and spilled to the floor beneath him.

"You might have warned me," Harry laughed, and those were the last words he could say before Draco's cock was in his mouth. Meanwhile, Draco undid Harry's pants and set to work himself. He regretted not getting Harry's pants off while he was still on the ground, but managed to keep them high enough to keep his dick available for sucking. The iridescence of the potion on the floor grew brighter, and made for surprisingly flattering lighting for both of them.

Draco was still some time away from orgasm, but his work on Harry -- rubbing his thighs and nipping playfully between long, slow sucks -- seemed to be working faster than he'd anticipated. Harry kicked his legs in pleasure, and knocked the bookcase with his foot. Some books, knocked out of place, shot out violently and slammed into the Mirror of Erised on the opposite wall. A small crack in the Mirror sparked violently, then it discharged jets of energy. Draco ducked in surprise just as Harry came, spraying the office with semen. Below them, the iridescent potion erupted in a flash of flame.

As Harry fell to the floor in a panic, they suddenly found their surroundings very different. There were huge chunks of glass strewn about a massive stone field. Above them, they could see a ceiling, unbelievably high.

"Well, fuck," said Draco, taking stock of the shattered potion bottle around them. "We've shrunk."

"Oh," Harry said. "Well, hold on, we've still got our wands. I can do a Growing Charm."

"That just blows you up like a balloon, Potter. Did you even pay attention in Charms?"

Suddenly, they heard the sound of Hermione's voice echoing from outside the room.

"Professor? I wanted to return your Applied Herbology textbook, but it seems like you've switched offices. Is there anyone here?"

Hermione stepped into the room, looking with some surprise at the mess. "What happened here?" she said to herself.

"Hermione! Down here!"

Harry's voice was too small to reach her, and she took a few more steps, getting dangerously close.

"Draco! Run!"

Draco felt the reverberation as her shoe came thundering down behind him.

"I swear, Potter, if I survived the Second Wizarding War only to get stepped on by Hermione-fucking-Granger, I'm going to come back and haunt the fuck out of you."

She stopped and stooped down to examine the broken glass, picking a piece up and turning it over in her hand. Harry and Draco sprinted across the vast expanse of floor to get in her line of sight, waving their arms. In a moment, they saw it had worked: she furrowed her brow and leaned in for a closer look.

"...Harry? And Draco? What's going on?" her voice boomed in their ears.

"There was this potion, and something exploded! Thank God you're here; I don't know what we would--"

"I can't hear you. Hold on, can you cast a Patronus? You could use that to project your voice."

Harry grabbed Draco's wrist and closed his eyes. Draco watched him produce a silver-white stag from his wand, no bigger than Harry himself. On command, it ascended to Hermione's ear.

"Can you hear me?"

"Yes, perfect, you're coming through fine. Are you both all right?"

"So far today I've managed to get stepped on zero times, so sure. Never better."

"Sorry, Malfoy," she said, sounding sincere. "But I don't understand. How is this possible?"

"Hermione, surely after all we've been through this isn't the first magical accident you've ever seen."

"No, I mean this isn't magically possible. Reduction charms don't work like this at all, never mind the problems of physical integrity and -- the capillary action in your cells simply couldn't work. Are you sure you're... real?"

"I'm pretty sure we're real."

"Here, can you climb onto my palm?" She laid her hand flat on the ground, and Harry quickly climbed on. Draco paused to consider if this was a good idea, but failed to see a better option. Even staying put likely meant ending up between Granger's thumb and finger. Desperate to keep the tattered remains of his dignity intact, Draco climbed up after Harry onto her palm. Moments later, they were ascending with stomach-churning speed as Hermione stood upright. "I've got to get you to Madam Pomfrey or--"

"There's going to be questions. We're going to be in loads of trouble if anyone finds out we were having sex in detention, Hermione. I know I'm a war hero, but there are limits."

"Having sex in detention?" she exclaimed, nearly dropping them in surprise. Draco began to regret putting his life in Granger's literal hands.

"Look, isn't there any spell that can just undo this?"

"No, I've already said..." she rubbed her forehead with her free hand. "All right, I've got one idea, but if that doesn't work, I have to turn you in."

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver."

"I'll need to transport you in something... I think there should be enough room for both of you in one of these spare bottles." She held a bottle up to her open palm. "You know, not my first experience keeping people in jars, oddly enough."

"...The fuck?" asked Draco. "Who did you put in a jar?"

"Rita Skeeter," Harry answered before he slid away down the slope of the jar. Hermione gave Draco a shrug that was part embarrassment, part pride.

"Merlin's pubes, Rita Skeeter, the journalist?" Draco said.

"Oh, sure, if we're going to call her  _ that," _ Hermione said. "She was making our lives miserable, and she happened to be a bug at the time. I had a jar handy. It isn't as though I swatted her or anything."

"Granger, has anyone told you that you're completely insane?"

"I think Rita might have mentioned that at some point, yeah." she said. With a jolt of momentum, Draco found himself level with one of her eyes, now nearly as large as he was. The force of her unblinking stare nearly knocked him off his feet. "Why, is there something you wanted to say to me?"

Draco couldn't help thinking she wouldn't have made a bad Slytherin. "I'm getting in the damn jar, Granger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, we got a two-parter cliffhanger up in here. Bet you didn't expect THAT when you started reading this Drarry crack-smut romp.
> 
> I really like Draco and Hermione as enemies-to-lovers, except-Draco-is-gay-so-they're-just-friends.
> 
> And finally, just don't fuck with Hermione, am I right? Shout-out to user 5moreminutes for riffing out my best dialogue.


	6. A Secret Quasi-Deity

Back in her room, Hermione set the jar on its side so Harry and Draco could step out onto her nightstand. There was a pile of books several times Harry's height, and a table lamp that stood a ways off, spreading overhead like a huge oak. Several stories above them, Hermione chewed her lip distractedly.

"I figure it's safer to keep you in one place," she said. "I just need to find Luna, so if you can wait here, I'll be back soon."

"I'll try not to wander off," Draco said.

"That's probably best, yeah," Hermione answered, too distracted to notice his sarcasm. "Keep your wands handy, just in case."

"Just in case what, exactly?"

"Well, I mean, you're right. No real need, of course. Crookshanks is asleep in the common room, and I'll be sure to lock the door. It'll be fine, really." Hermione silently mouthed some calculations to herself. "I'll be back as quickly as I can. "

She darted out of the room.

"Great, I'll just get eaten by a cat, then," Draco said.

"I've fought a dragon before," Harry offered. "I think I can handle a cat."

"You  _ avoided _ a dragon in a sporting event, Potter. Honestly, you Gryffindors."

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't -- I mean, it was your idea to have detention sex, Malfoy."

"It was," Draco said. "Which reminds me, you still owe me an orgasm."

"We're about to get eaten by a cat, and you're still thinking about sex?"

"Aha, now he agrees with me about the cat," Draco said. "And yes, Potter, you certainly wouldn't want to die in sex-debt, would you? Think of the disgrace of it."

"Fuck you, Draco."

"Thank you, that's what I've been saying."

Then they were kissing, then fondling under their pants, and finally their clothes came off. Naked, Draco jumped up onto the cover of a book.

"Do me on top of  _ Hogwarts: A History _ , _ Volume One _ , Potter," he growled.

"Do you," Harry clarified, "on top of  _ Hogwarts: A History, Volume One _ ."

"That's what I said."

"Hermione would kill me if she found out," Harry hesitated. "It'd be really easy for her right now, too."

"So don't let her find out," Draco said. "Here, you stay down there and I'll stay up here, and you just go down on me. You'd be completely innocent, personally, of having sex on a textbook."

"They're going to be back any minute."

"Better get started then."

And he did. The height of the book aligned perfectly so that Harry could stand and have easy access to Draco. Although Draco's penis was fully erect, Harry was surprised to find the snake fast asleep. Harry wanted to ask a question about its sleeping habits, but his mouth was too full of Draco's dick to speak. He ran his hands along Draco's thighs a few times, appreciating their lean, muscular build, and made his way up to this lower torso. Harry lightly stroked teasing circles with his fingernails until Draco finally grabbed his hand and pressed them flat against his stomach. He let out a groan of satisfaction, and Harry swallowed.

A moment later, the door opened, and Hermione and Luna made their way inside. "Clothes!" both boys shouted, hurriedly dressing again. Fortunately, they were too small, and the girls still too far away, for the flurry of activity to be visible.

Hermione grimaced and gestured at her nightstand. Luna looked down.

"Oh, interesting. That shouldn't be possible," Luna said.

"Hi, Luna," Harry said, before he realized that she couldn't hear him. He quickly cast a second Patronus that floated up and settled down on Luna's shoulder.

"Could they be misproportioned simulacra?" Hermione asked.

"I suppose, but where are the originals? Harry," Luna said, kneeling down so her face was at the level of the nightstand, "I think I'll need to pick you up to examine you. Is that all right?"

"Sure, I mean -- for the last several days, my life has been a series of events that have been vastly out of my control," Harry started to say, before the force of Luna's fingers knocked the wind out of him. She placed him in her palm and prodded him, first with fingertip, then with her wand. She cast a series of Scrying charms, then a Measuring Charm, and examined the results that hung in the air.

She looked at Harry. "In case you were curious, you're five centimeters, nearly exactly. Really in excellent health, other than that." Then she turned to Hermione. "That's certainly too small to survive under traditional rescaling mechanics."

"That's what I've been saying," she said.

"But… based on my inspection, I don't think he's a simulacrum, either," Luna said.

"That's what  _ I've _ been saying," Harry said.

Luna hesitated, and stood up. "I can't help but wonder if this is a side effect of breaking the universe."

"I'm sorry, what?" said every other person in the room.

"It was just after the war, and I was trying to Transfigure an apple into a black hole. I did it, you know -- made a black hole." Luna surveyed her audience nervously. "It's a gravitational singularity from which nothing can escape."

"I know what a black hole is," Hermione said. "Where is this going?"

"It was when I tried to get rid of the black hole that the problems began. You can't really un-Transfigure it. So, I accidentally discovered how to manipulate physical constants. Gravity, magnetism, the speed of light. Things like that," Luna said, looking sheepish. "I didn't mean to, of course, but I caused... hm. I suppose you could call it a total reality failure? I had to rebuild the whole thing from scratch."

"You mean you rebuilt  _ the universe _ ?" Harry said.

"Luna," Hermione asked after a pause, "are you God?" From Harry's perspective, sitting in her palm, it seemed like an important question.

"Oh, no, definitely not. Although God gave me some terribly helpful advice when we were remaking everything."

"Are you telling me you literally met God?"

"Absolutely, of course. I'm not sure I could have rebuilt everything by myself. It's a big universe." After it was apparent this was not a sufficient explanation, she added, "God's very nice. Just a very helpful sort of... person?"

"Huh," Hermione said.

Luna looked at her hand and flinched in surprise. "Sorry, Harry, I should have put you down ages ago. That was awfully rude of me."

Harry felt unqualified to assess the etiquette of the situation, but when he was back on the nightstand, Harry reflexively hugged Draco in the relief of being back on solid ground.

"Great. Luna's pals with God. Can we get back to why I'm five centimeters tall?" Draco said.

"I think I might have left too much room in some of the higher dimensions," Luna continued. "They're very important for quantum effects, you know. But it looks like you might have sunk a bit in there, so there's not a lot left of you in normal space."

"That sounds… completely mental," said Harry.

"You're like an iceberg," Hermione chimed in with sudden understanding. "Some of you exists in three dimensions, and that's the part we can see. Then some other part of you extends into other dimensions we can't see, below the surface of perceptible reality. You know? Like an iceberg."

"Exactly!" Luna said brightly. "You've all got it?"

Harry and Draco stood in stunned silence and tried to shake their heads vigorously enough to be seen. Hermione knelt down, leaned in closely and frowned. "I don't think they do."

"All we need to do," Luna said with growing excitement, "is give you a little push, and get more of you back into perceptible reality."

"How do we do that?" Hermione asked.

"It ought to be a matter of light refraction. If we use a nested prism to produce a spectrum band with a strong extradimensional component, we should be able to coax the quantum barrier closer and give you both a little nudge."

"We'll need to gather materials," Hermione said. "Refined quartz, for prisms? We'd need to find one big enough. And unicorn hair has some quantum-optical applications. Could that be useful?"

"Oh, well, I was thinking we could just use bubbles," Luna said.

"Bubbles," said Hermione. "Is this some kind metaphorical bubble that holds a pocket universe, or…"

"No, just, you know. Blowing bubbles," she said, pursing her lips and doing a pantomime. "They're wonderful for refracting all sorts of energy, and the pop really gives them some extra efficacy. Refined quartz is all right, but it takes quite a long time to pop -- a few hundred centuries at least."

"So we'll need to find some soap solution and a wand?" Hermione asked.

"I keep some in my desk for attracting Fennyligs."

A minute later, Luna was off, and Harry and Draco were alone with Hermione again. She stooped down. "Do you need anything? I've got some biscuits, and -- well, I don't really know how I'd give you any water or anything."

Draco rubbed his forehead silently. Harry said, "I think just a moment to rest would be great."

"Sure." She sat down on her bed an opened a book. "I'm right here if you need anything."

With the room quiet, Harry and Draco both sat down, leaning back against the spine of a book. Harry dispelled his Patronus and scooted closer to Draco.

"This fucking day, right?" Harry said.

"This fucking day," Draco answered. Harry could see him visibly release some of the tension in his body, and Harry took Draco's hand.

"Do you also have a crick in your neck?"

"Hell yes. Would it kill them to kneel down a little more? I'm going to need a massage after this."

"I'll give you one."

Draco glanced over at Hermione, who was either deep in her book or at least pretending convincingly. She probably couldn't have heard him even if he shouted, but still he nearly whispered, "Those two know what they're doing, right? I mean, they can… fix this."

"Oh, yeah. Hermione's gotten me out of loads of scrapes worse than this."

Draco put his head on Harry's shoulder. They sat in silence for a while, listening to the their own breathing and the occasional sound of turning pages. In the vast expanse of the room, where everything seemed impossibly far away, it felt good to have someone close.

"I'm glad you're here," Harry said.

"I can't say this was my first choice for how to spend my evening," Draco said, "but, sure. I'm glad you're here, too, Potter."

Harry must have fallen asleep like that, because the next thing he was aware of was Luna's voice. "Harry? Draco? We're ready to try this."

She placed them on the floor and crouched down, bubble wand in hand. Hermione stood nearby, shining down illumination from her wand.

"Stay close to each other and hold still."

Luna blew bubbles across the floor, surrounding the boys in a swarm of multicolored refraction. They flew by and popped, one by one, until there were none left. Nothing happened.

"Okay," Draco said. "In retrospect, this idea was kind of stupid, and I'm not sure why I thought it would--" The world returned to its proper size. "--work. Oh, shit, it worked."

Harry, Draco, and Hermione hugged. Luna stood up, off to the side, looking pleased with herself.

"What, you think you're too good for a hug?" Draco said. "Get in here, Lovegood. I will hug you exactly once."

After they separated, all four flopped onto Hermione's bed.

"Thanks, Luna," Harry said. "And Hermione, of course. You're brilliant."

"I'm just delighted to see that it worked," Luna said. "I ought to warn you that the higher dimensions jostle around a bit, so you might lose or gain a centimeter here or there until you settle back in place, but I think the odds of a spontaneous reversion to five centimeters is really very unlikely."

"Spontaneous… reversion?" Harry asked.

"Is very unlikely, yes," Luna said. "If it does, of course, I'd be happy to help again. I can watch my step for the next few days, if it makes you feel better."

"Everyone, please," Draco announced, "shut up. I am going to bed. You coming, Potter?"

Harry said good night, got up, and followed him out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *record scratch* "Yeah, that's me in this featureless void where the universe used to be. You might be wondering, how did I end up here? Well, it all started about a week ago (I guess; time is meaningless since physics stopped working)..."
> 
> Shout-out to 5moreminutes who fine-tuned my Luna and pointed out that rocks do, sort of, pop, if you look it in a macro-chronological sense.


	7. A Secret Swapped

Harry woke up in Draco's bed. He dozed, looking at the morning light streaming in from the window. Draco remained fast asleep, but after few minutes, he heard a familiar hiss from beneath the covers.

"What have you two been up to? His emotions were off the chartsss last night: scared, relieved, panicked, ecstatic. I had to take a nap halfway though."

"Yeah, it was a bit of a rough night. Nearly died, but it turned out all right." Harry looked at the snake sympathetically. "Do you mind being, you know, in his pants all the time? Do you ever wish you could slither around? Feel the grass under your belly?"

"First, they're _our_ pants, and second, are you kidding me? I'm not ssslithering around on the ground like sssome animal. I'm a Malfoy."

"Oh," said Harry.

"You ever sssee a Centaur, Harry?"

"Sure?"

"That'ss me. Half snake, half persson. Majessstic as hell over here."

"Sure, all right," Harry said, suppressing the urge to get in an argument about how Centaurs work. "Then what do you _want,_ really, in life?"

"What do I want?" asked the snake. "What do I _want?_ I want a whole live mouse."

"I meant--"

"No, two live mice. God, what a rush. Not sure I could fit any more than that, though."

They both thought in silence for a moment.

"Do you think he'd like to be woken up with some morning sex?" Harry asked.

"Oh yeah," the snake said. "By the way, I know he talks a lot of that bossy, take-charge crap, but any time you want to just take him? Tell him what to do. He eats that shit up every time."

"Thanks for the tip."

Harry spooned against Draco's naked body and stoked up and down the length of his penis. When he began to stir, Harry kissed his neck until he woke enough to hum in surprise.

"What's this?" Draco asked. He started to turn around but Harry pressed his shoulder to hold him in place. Still stroking Draco with his hand, Harry pressed his own dick against Draco's backside. They both rapidly became more erect, and Harry reached for his wand to cast a lubrication charm.

"Well, what are you waiting for, Potter?"

"For you to shut your mouth, Malfoy," Harry said. "But then we'd never get anywhere."

Harry slid his way inside and rolled Draco onto his knees and elbows.

"You think you're still hot shit because you used to be the Chosen One? Show me what else you've got," Draco said, before Harry threw his free hand over Draco's mouth.

"Sorry, is this okay?" Harry asked, suddenly dropping his grip on Draco's face.

"Don't spoil it, Potter." Draco pressed the hand firmly back in place. Harry thought he felt a smirk form against his palm. And soon he felt the vibrations of Draco's moans, too, as he approached orgasm.

Harry slowed his stroking. "Not quite yet," he said.

"Well, hurry it the fuck up, then," Draco said, muffled under Harry's hand.

"What's the point--" Harry panted. "--of covering your mouth if -- you're just going to talk anyway?" He curled his fingers into Draco's mouth. Draco bit them, not quite hard enough to hurt.

"Your objection is noted," Harry said. He resumed his strokes on Draco's penis. Like that, they both finished and collapsed onto the mattress.

"Who taught you that, Potter?" Draco demanded.

"Your snake-dick."

"I've got to be more careful about letting you two talk. Or make sure you do it more often," Draco said. "Oh, and Potter?"

"Yeah?"

"Not a dick. It's just a snake."

There was a knock at the door. They quickly slipped on some clothes, and Draco opened the door a crack. A moment later, Hermione stepped inside, carrying a wrapped parcel.

"I need a quick favor. Just keep this safe for a bit in here. Don't open it," she said.

"What is it?" Harry asked. "Are you hiding this from someone?"

"No, nothing like that. It is a powerful artifact, but I just need it out of my room for a few hours. It keeps interfering with some of the… higher dimensional mechanics Luna and I are trying."

"Oh, no, you haven't been -- I mean, there haven't been any more, um, miniaturization accidents?"

"Not... accidents, no," Hermione said carefully. "But anyway, we're well past that, Harry."

"It's barely been ten hours since we saw you," Draco said. "What have you been doing?"

She looked the two boys up and down. "Nothing that you'd be interested in."

"Ah," Draco said.

"But you're sure you don't need our help?"

Hermione stifled a laugh. "I think we can manage."

"So, what exactly is it that you're dumping in my room so you can enjoy some… higher dimensional mechanics?"

"Right, the Sen--" Hermione started and stopped herself. "Probably best not to open it. And don't think about it, if you can help it. I'd prefer to hide it somewhere, but if you leave it unattended, it has a way of making itself... found. The less you know, the better."

"Sorry, we shouldn't _think_ about it?" Draco asked.

"A little bit of thinking won't hurt, but yeah, giving it a solid ponder? I wouldn't." Hermione checked her watch. "Look, I really shouldn't leave Luna alone for this long. Last time she had my room to herself, she literally turned the entire thing inside out. She's probably sticking all my stuff on the ceiling or something right now."

"She turned your _room_ inside out? What does that even mean?" said Harry.

She shook her head. "You cannot let that girl get bored. Bye!"

In the silence following Hermione's departure, Harry and Draco looked at each other, then at the box, still wrapped in brown paper.

"So," Draco said, "what do you think is inside?"

"She just said not to think about it."

"Okay, so it's what, thought-activated? Some sort of telepathic magic?"

"I'm not having this conversation."

"But you're thinking about not thinking about it. You have to admit that's pretty close to thinking about it, Potter."

"I'm not having that conversation either, Malfoy."

A humming sound, faint but unmistakable, began emanating from the package.

"Look, now it's humming," Harry said. "That can't be good. Talk about anything else. How's the… weather?"

"I can't stop thinking about it now, when it's humming like that," Draco said.

The humming grew louder, and Harry could feel a wave of heat coming from the box.

"I didn't think I'd ever say this, but maybe I should have listened to Granger," Draco admitted.

"Draco! We need to get out of this room right now!"

They both sprinted for the door but collided with one another before they could reach it. The hum was now a piercing whine, and Harry saw the paper on the box begin to peel away in shreds. Once they were on their feet again, there was a bright flash, and the world winked out of existence for a moment.

When things came back into focus, Harry noticed two things. First, he saw himself -- a perfect Harry Potter duplicate -- standing by the door. Second, he felt a vaguely uncomfortable squirming in his pants.

"Ah, fuck," Harry said, "Fuck. Is that -- am I --"

"Are you me?" the other Harry asked. "Is there two of me? If you're really me, what's my favorite color?" He looked down. "Fuck, I'm Potter."

"We switched bodies," they both said in resigned voices.

"I cannot believe I just did a Freaky Friday with Draco Malfoy," Harry groaned.

"Did a what?" Draco asked from Harry's mouth. "Is that a sex act, or…?"

"No, you know, a body swap. A Freaky Friday." Harry said. "Wow, it's really weird hearing your voice when I talk."

"How do Muggles have a slang term for body swapping and Wizards don't?" Draco asked. "And same. Be careful with that mouth, Potter. I use it for stuff."

A hiss came from Harry's (formerly Draco's) pants.

"Was that my snake? I can hear it. Potter, I'm inside your brain and your brain can understand it. I'm a Parselmouth now. This is even crazier than having nearly empty pants. Can you still understand it?"

"I can't anymore! But wait, oh, God, I can feel it wriggling around, though. That's weird. What in the -- hold on, Malfoy, nearly empty pants? There's plenty of dick in there. Don't try to pretend like there isn't."

"Be that as it may, just a dick by itself can't really compare with a dick and a snake, can it?"

Suddenly, they both noticed the thing that had caused the switch: the packaging had completely burnt away, and a small stone figure with two opposite-looking faces stood on the nightstand.

"We need to find Hermione and get her to switch us back," Harry said.

"Maybe let's just try thinking about it again," Draco said, who was deep in thought as he rubbed the lightning-bolt scar on his forehead. "Maybe if we think hard enough, it'll switch us again."

They stared intently at the little statue. Nothing happened for nearly a minute.

"No, that was stupid," Draco apologized. "We really need to find Granger. To the Gryffindor dorms?"

Harry grabbed the statue. As they bolted out of the Slytherin dungeons, Draco suddenly grimaced at the late morning light. "Shit," he said, "It's Saturday. I'm supposed to be captaining Quidditch practice in five minutes."

"So skip it," Harry said. "I don't know about you, but I'd like to have my body back."

"You don't understand. You know Slytherin's Keeper, William Simms? This asshole is trying to steal the captain position from me. If I don't show up, I'm finished, you understand?"

"So, what? You lose the captainship. Besides, you couldn't exactly lead practice in my body."

"I'm not losing this captainship, Potter, and certainly not to this prat. He's been trying to ruin me all year. You have to go in my place."

"You're not serious."

"You're a Quidditch captain. Just do what you do. Run practice." He paused. "Although if at any point you feel like saying the word 'honor' or some shit, go take a drink of water."

"This is the dumbest--"

"Mister Potter," came Professor McGonagall's voice came from behind. She placed a hand on Draco's arm, and Harry saw him shutter in surprise. "I have an important matter that requires your attention, pertaining to… certain past events."

"Is this urgent? My schedule is rather full today," Draco said. He and Harry exchanged worried glances.

"It may be a matter of student safety," she insisted, "though your assistance could help us determine this for certain."

"Perhaps I could come, too?" Harry said, immediately hearing how absurd this sentence sounded in Draco's voice.

"While I appreciate your concern, Mister Malfoy, I don't believe that will be necessary," McGonagall said.

Harry looked at Draco behind his own eyes, suggesting that they just come clean about what had happened, but Draco shook his head. "Don't you have Quidditch practice to run?" he asked.

"Yes, right, I don't even care. My personal affairs are all that matter to me, Draco Malfoy. I like being Quidditch captain almost as much I enjoy using loads of hair product."

"I do not--" Draco started, but McGonagall was already leading him away by the arm.

Harry found himself suddenly alone, and he sprinted to the Quidditch pitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, what will happen now that our protagonists have swapped bodies? Will they ever get back? Will they bang? Are Hermione and Luna in a background relationship now? Yes, yes, and yes.
> 
> 5moreminutes thought of the snake-as-Centaur concept (!!) and greatly refined the body-swap dialogue.


	8. A Secret Split

Draco tried not to squirm in his chair in the Headmistress's Office. He had never been there under favorable circumstances before, and, in fact, that had hardly changed now. Currently occupying Harry Potter's body ensured that his presence was, for once, welcomed, but the truth was the same as it has always been: he'd rather not be there at all.

"I apologize if you found my summary in corridor unsatisfactorily vague," said McGonagall, "but it is, in fact, your input that might allow us to come to a more complete understanding of the situation at hand."

"And what situation is that, Professor?" Draco asked.

"We have reason to believe that one or more former Death Eaters are in hiding at Hogwarts, working toward an unknown goal. We, of course, believe that students are at risk; however, we are unsure of their specific targets or plans."

Draco's stomach dropped. He fought to breathe through a sudden knot in his throat.

"Why," Draco asked carefully, "do you think I would be able to supply information about the plans of former Death Eaters?"

"That isn't quite the help I hoped we might get," McGonagall said. "Certain members of the faculty have been clearing out Professor Dumbledore's effects, and we believe, before he died, he may have anticipated such a post-war eventuality, following the Death Eaters' defeat. Dumbledore may have stored critical information -- in the form of Memories -- where only you could access them."

She produced a Golden Snitch from a drawer and set it on the desk.

"I trust you will find this familiar," she said, pushing it toward Draco.

Draco looked at it in confusion. He could see the phrase, " _ I open at the close," _ etched finely on its surface.

"Sure. It's a Snitch."

"This is the same Snitch you inherited from Dumbledore, which I have been told from multiple secondhand accounts contained the Resurrection Stone."

"The Resurrection Stone," Draco echoed, incredulous. McGonagall nodded. "The one from that children's story about the three brothers?" Draco knew Voldemort had been obsessed with the Elder Wand, but he also knew that the man had been a megalomaniacal septuagenarian who had already died once at the time, so it had been difficult to know how solid his grasp on reality was.

"I'm familiar with the legend, Mister Potter," McGonagall continued. "I was hoping you could open it. I'm aware the Stone is lost, but it's possible that in the chaos of the battle, you did not fully empty the Snitch of all its contents."

Draco felt sure his confusion must be showing. He had absolutely no idea what was going on. He touched the scar on his forehead for reassurance in his disguise.

"Mister Weasley related to me your belief that it might open if you…" she hesitated for only a moment. "If you placed it in fully your mouth. Is that correct?"

"What. The. Fuck?" Draco managed not to say out loud. It was definitely too late to come clean about his real identity, but he had hoped to escape this encounter quickly, without having to swallow any sporting equipment.

Instead, he said, "Oh, yes, that. I remember. Good old Dumbledore, he was a tricky one." In response to McGonagall's ascending eyebrows, he added, "May he rest in peace. Like a dad to me, really. I had a few father figures, but nothing compares to him." Suddenly desperate for something to put in his mouth after all, he added finally, "May I see that Snitch please?"

McGonagall handed it to Draco. In his nervous hand, the golden sphere seemed to have an uncanny weight to it, and he could barely raise it to his lips. "Right, in you get, then," he said to the Snitch, and closed his mouth. He bit the inside of his lips impatiently as nothing happened for a longer and longer stretch of time.

"I understand the circumstances under which you originally opened it were stressful, to say the least," said McGonagall, "but do you recall roughly how long the process took to complete?"

"Just… give it a minute?" Draco said though his full mouth. He fumbled in his pocket for some some Puking Pastilles on hand, before remembering that they were with his original body. Then again, he wondered if he would even need them if this went on much longer. With his eyes closed and a hand cupped gingerly over his mouth, he quietly whispered to himself, "Shit, shit, shit, shit. I am going to die."

At once, he felt the Snitch stir to life in his mouth, and he spat it out onto the desk in alarm. "There you have it, then!" he shouted, a little too loud.

With perfect composure, McGonagall dipped her wand into the open face of the Snitch, and retrieved a glowing strand of Memory. She walked to her Pensieve and gestured for Draco to follow. "Come on then, Mister Potter. These were intended for you."

 

\---

 

The Slytherin team was taking a break between sets of agility drills, and William Simms, the Keeper, was living up to Draco's brief description of him.

"Hey Malfoy, shouldn't we be running speed drills? That's the reason Gryffindor has been crushing us. We can't get our team down the field fast enough."

"No, Gryffindor has been crushing you -- er,  _ us _ , of course -- because we can't stop them from getting down the field. We need agility to play defense."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about, Malfoy," Simms said, "and I think everyone here knows you shouldn't be captain anymore."

The other team members had gathered round, watching with unfolding drama with naked interest. Simms looked pleased at the group's attention and made his move.

"I'm challenging you to a goal shootout for the title of captain."

"What? Harry said. "No. That's a really stupid way to determine captainship. A captain brings the team together. Leadership isn't a matter of who's got the better arm, yeah?"

"Sounds like the words of somebody who's afraid to prove once and for all that his father  _ bought _ his way onto this team." This accusation brought out a murmur of voices among the group.

"What, those Nimbus broomsticks?" Harry laughed. "I think those were an excellent investment and really brought out the best in the talent Slytherin House has to offer. If you're not willing to invest in your team, are you really sure you're well-suited to be a captain?"

"In case you haven't noticed, we haven't won the Cup in years!"

"In case  _ you _ haven't noticed," Harry said, "I've only been captain for a few months."

"Yeah, well, what do you do, anyway? All you do is fly around looking for a little metal ball the whole game!" Simms looked ready to physically bite him.

"That's… literally what my position on the team is, Simms."

Before Simms could answer, Harry felt a hand on his shoulder and turn to see Snape looking even more grim than usual. "While I realize you savor the intricacies of intramural politics, I have a matter of some urgency to discuss with you."

"Oh, is this because we didn't finish detention? I can explain."

"Considering the circumstances, that can be overlooked, Mister Malfoy."

Harry's eyes widened at this unexpected laxity as they moved away from the team, while Simms shouted, "Don't think you can use a teacher to get out of this, Malfoy! This isn't over!"

"I have learned through various sources that a certain high-ranking Death Eater has escaped Azkaban and may, among other objectives, seek to harm you."

"What? I thought I, you know, got along pretty well with the Death Eaters? Merlin knows I get enough grief from everyone else about it."

"Evidently your ambivalent allegiance and significant failure of mission has made you memorable target," Snape growled. "Enough that Theodore Nott, Senior, has escaped his cell and may already be in hiding at Hogwarts, preparing to act."

"Shit. How did he break out, anyway?"

"We believe he may be an unregistered Animagus, which allowed him to bypass the Dementors' sensitivity to human prisoners."

"Wow," said Harry. "Truly amazing that no one's ever thought of that before, or you'd think they would have fixed it."

Snape spoke through clenched teeth. "Truly. Amazing. Not to mention the Ministry's suspicion that Nott may be employing Polyjuice Potion to hide in plain sight on Hogwarts grounds."

"Are you kidding me? Again?"

Snape raised his brow.

"I mean, again... my life is in danger? I don't know about any previous episodes related to Polyjuice. Your boy Draco is real straight shooter. Except all the stuff I did in the war?"

"While your panic is understandable, this is privileged information. I trust you to be discreet while the Aurors conduct their investigation."

"What's his Animagus? And who is he impersonating? When did he get here?"

"That is all the information I have. Do not hesitate to contact me if you notice anything out of the ordinary." Snape spotted something or someone on the edge of the Quidditch pitch and turned to leave.

"Sure. Nothing but buckets of ordinary over here."

 

\---

 

Harry bolted from practice and spotted his own face huffing down a swivelling staircase.

"Draco!" Harry shouted. "There's a Death Eater trying to kill you!'

"Harry!" Draco shouted. "Dumbledore told Snape to kill him! They talked about it beforehand! They set it up!"

Harry nearly fell over as the words registered. "Are you sure?" he demanded, momentarily forgetting about the threat to Draco's life.

"I saw Dumbledore's Memory about it. I'm sure."

"Wow. I've spent over a year hating him, but now… wow. I don't know."

"And he really wanted to bang your mom."

"What? Seriously?"

"Oh, definitely. Sorry, it turns out that Snape wanting to bang your mom was a huge part of the counterintelligence effort of the war," Draco said. He shrugged and pulled his mouth to one side. "He didn't get to, though, if that makes you feel better."

"Man, fuck Snape." Harry scratched his over-moussed hair in confusion, then clarity returned. "Oh, Draco! Theodore Nott -- Theo's dad -- escaped from Azkaban and he's hiding in Hogwarts to kill you. Snape told me."

"Interesting. They mentioned him in the Memory, too. Apparently, Dumbledore thought Nott had some kind of superweapon, but that Voldemort didn't want to use it."

"What kind of weapon would Voldemort not want to use?"

"I guess we'll find out when he uses it on me!" Draco barked a laugh. "I am so fucked."


	9. A Secret Restored

They talked in panicked tones as they hurried down the hallway to Draco's room. Who was going to try to kill Draco? And when? Why hadn't they acted before now? They didn't have many answers.

"Wait, weren't we going to Granger's room?" Draco said as he opened the door to his room. "I can't even focus on what I'm doing. Though what can I expect, having to use  _ your _ brain to try to remember everything?"

"It's been a tough day."

"That's an understatement."

"Come here," Harry said. He pulled Draco into a hug. It was strangely comforting to feel his own, familiar Harry-Potter-body embrace him in a hug. The hug became a kiss, and then Harry sucked lightly on Draco's neck. With one hand, Draco locked the door before pulling them both onto the bed.

"Look, Draco, I know it's been an intense and upsetting--"

"Potter, I don't need to hear any more about this damn day. Frankly, I don't want to hear another sound out of you that isn't a sex noise."

Their lips met and Harry felt the weight of his body press him down into the bed. Harry slid his tongue into Draco's mouth. For a moment, he pulled away and opened his eyes to see his mess of black hair (tamed, somewhat, under Draco's care, but only to a point) and familiar lightning-bolt scar. He took in his own face, fixed in Malfoy's unmistakable expression of keen interest. It was like looking in the mirror to find a slightly more attractive version of yourself. He liked it.

Draco undid Harry's pants, and then removed his own clothes.

"I actually look pretty good, don't I?" Harry said.

"Why do you think I'm fucking you, Potter?"

There it was again, the Potter-face with the Malfoy-smirk. Harry wanted to smack him and bite him at the same time, but instead pulled Draco down on top of him and kissed him deeply. Draco nibbled his was down Harry's body, until his lips made their way around his penis. There was the familiar pace of his mouth, and the occasional vibration of a hum-sigh, that sent waves of pleasure out across his body. Even with a different body, the experience was so much the same, though he was dimly aware of the sinuations of the snake, too. He couldn't control it, but he could feel it, sort of, when it brushed against something.

Draco suddenly popped off and Harry snapped back to the sharpness of the physical world.

"Does the snake always talk so damn much when you've going down on me?" he asked.

"Yeah, it talks a lot," Harry said.

"Fuck. It's a mercy I usually can't hear it. It's all unsolicited sex advice, and also something about eating two live mice," Draco said. "I don't think that was a sex thing."

"Okay, I don't mean to out-Malfoy you, Malfoy, but can we get on with it?"

He grinned, perhaps more genuinely than Harry had ever seen. "I see I'm rubbing off on you, aren't I?"

"You can rub off on me in a minute. Now, come on."

He finished Harry off, sucking with his lips and pumping with his hand. Harry surprised himself with the sound of his own cries of pleasure: they were his own pattern and tempo, played out through Draco's voice.

"Can I get you?" Harry asked.

"Sorry, I already did," he said with barely-perceptible embarrassment. "Look, it's not every day I get to suck my own dick. It was hot."

"Draco, you got to suck your own dick like three days ago with the Time Turner thing."

"Granted, but still not  _ every _ day."

\---

Harry knocked on the door to Hermione's room, but strangely, it didn't seem to make any noise. From within, they could hear voices, though.

"Right there -- yes -- oh God, oh -- no wait, Luna, go back -- unh, not there!" Hermione said. "Go back to where you were just a second ago --"

"I'm not sure where you mean," Luna replied, her voice tinged with an otherworldly echo. "I'm occupying all points in space simultaneously."

"Well maybe you should be occupying  _ some _ points more than  _ others," _ said Hermione. "Can't you just -- oh! Oh, fuck, that'll do."

Harry knocked harder, but still wasn't able to make any sound on the solid wood of the door. "Are you all right?" he shouted. Draco looked mortified.

Luna's voice came through again: "Oh, good. I thought I'd try occupying every point in space twice, in case I'd missed any, and then did a third pass on a few points that I thought you might particularly enjoy."

"Save me the lecture until a-- af-- after-- ah, ah, ah --" Hermione's voice pitched to a crescendo, then dropped off. "Mmmm. Okay, now you can give me the lecture. Do you need a turn?"

"Thanks, Hermione, but I already had multiple while I was fourth-dimensionally extended. Well, technically it was just the one, but I looped over it a few times."

"Want to get the Intermixer back from Harry?"

"Sure, let me undo the soundproof warding."

Suddenly, Harry's fist against the door made a noise, and he leapt back in surprise.Then he tried another knock, calmer this time. After a moment, Hermione opened the door. "I was just about to come find you," she said.

"Is everything all right? I thought I heard some… distressed noises?"

"Oh, um, you did? I thought--"

"Okay, look," Draco spat, "you're obviously fine. We're definitely not."

"Oh, dear," Luna said from behind Hermione. "What's happened?"

"That thing you gave us made us swap bodies!"

"Well, that's not totally right, is it?" Luna asked. "It just intermixes sensory perception. I suppose it's theoretically possible to block out your own senses in the process, but you haven't actually taken over each other's motor control, right?"

"We have definitely switched motor control," Harry sighed.

"Look at this," Draco said, and raised his middle fingers at Hermione and Luna. "Would Potter do this? I don't think so. Sensory perception, my ass."

"It's never done that before," Hermione said. "Were you thinking about it a lot? I told you not to."

"It's… possible that may have happened," Draco said. "Look, just-- how can we switch back?"

"Oh, it's very simple to turn off. Just wave your wand like this and say,  _ 'Portcullis.'" _

"Really? I've never even heard of that spell," Harry said.

"Oh, it's not a spell," Luna said. "It's our safeword."

"Your what?" Harry asked, as Draco shouted at the statue, " _ Portcullis!" _

The world slipped in and out of focus and Harry was back in his body. He rubbed his forehead to make sure and then laughed in relief. He turned to Draco in delight, but Draco's own expression was still deeply unsettled. He was about to ask what was wrong, but then Hermione blurted out, "Oh, un-fucking-believable. I'm bloody  _ you _ now? I thought Potter's hair was bad, but I'm not sure I can safely walk through doorways with this mess."

"Oh, like your body is so great," Draco snapped back. "I'm not sure I could pick up my own backpack with these twiggy arms."

"I think they might have gotten swapped," Luna said to Harry. "We've never tried it with more than two people nearby. Definitely an area for further study."

"Sorry for what I said about nearly empty pants, Potter," said Draco-as-Hermione, "I didn't know how good I'd had it as you."

"Yeah, well, I've never had a penis before, but this experience is not winning me over," Hermione retorted from Draco's body. "Can you not even control the snake? It's just… ugh, wriggling around by itself."

"I already refused to have this conversation with my boyfriend. I'm certainly not having it with  _ you, _ Granger, and certainly not  _ as _ you. God, does everything that comes out of this mouth just naturally sound prissier?"

"Hold on, you said -- are we really, um…" Harry trailed off.

" _ Portcullis _ ," Luna said, and both Hermione and Draco flinched.

"Oh, thank God," Draco said, and indecorously thrust a hand down his pants. "I suppose I should apologize after you saved my life yesterday. Hmph."

"Whatever, be proud of your little twig arms, fancy boy," Hermione said with a shrug. "It's your life."

"Anyway," said Harry. "Thanks for getting this sorted out. Sorry for thinking about it."

"Oh, no trouble at all." Luna said. 

"Malfoy! You've got quite a knack for finding trouble, don't you, boy?" came a voice from behind them. "Almost seems as though you go looking for it."

There, stepping rapidly down the hall, was a pair of somber-looking Aurors, and between them floated the ghost of Alastor Moody, swigging from a spectral flask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Draco is a fancy boy, and he *is* proud of his li'l twig arms.
> 
> Shout out to 5moreminutes for the best parts of the Lunmione dialogue.


End file.
